Top 10 Tips from Lesbians to Straight Men

By Kerren

This post has been a long time coming.. but I am finally at the point where I think that a certain “group” in society really need a little help in looking less like idiots… so here goes:

This list is my Top 10 things straight guys should avoid saying to LESBIANS and why they should be avoided.

1.  I am also a LESBIAN

Dude, while you may think this a hilarious way to break the ice with a LESBIAN, I can assure you that we find it rather annoying.  Firstly, it is a sin against nature for a straight man to call themselves a LESBIAN.  Secondly, it may have been funny the first time we heard it, but after the 6000th time it is just rather a yawn for us, and we pretty much know every straight guy on the planet is going to say it to us at one point or another.

2.  How can you call it sex without a penis/penetration?

This one makes me want to slap you on the forehead just to see how quick your reflexes are!!!  Dumbass!!!  Just because there is no penis, does not mean there is no penetration, and any man who is stupid enough to ask this question is mocked and laughed at by LESBIANS everywhere… because it is thinking like this that makes it so much easier for us to lure your sisters into our beds..  No wonder there are so many un and under-satisfied straight women in the world, when so many straight men believe sex is about penetration.

3.  You just have not had the right penis yet

OMG.. this one never fails to get the response of my jaw dropping on the ground.  This happens sooooooo many times.  I will be in a pub and some guy is hitting on me.  Usually I will try to dissuade him gently, however, if the message is not getting through, I will usually respond with “Honey, you are just not my type, but if you introduce me to your sister…”  It is around this point that it dawns on him that I am gay.. and 9 times out of 10 they will then make the comment that no woman is truly gay, we just have not had the right penis yet… implying that I should try their fabulous specimen.  And it is usually around this point in the conversation that I ask him to picture himself having sex with the barman, and as the would be suitor gags on the thought, I point out that I feel pretty much the same at the thought of having sex with the barman.

4.  Who is the man in the relationship?

There is no man in the relationship dumbass… that is the whole point!  Now, granted, it may look to you like one woman is dominant in the relationship, but just because one of the women does not wear dresses and make-up, does not make her the dominant partner, it is just her personal choice when it comes to her appearance.  This does not however always roll-over in to the bedroom.  Have you never heard the term “butch in the streets and femme in the sheets?”  If not, I would be happy to explain it to you.

5.  Can I join in?

I know this may come as a shock to you, but if we wanted a man to join in our sexual escapades, we would pick one of any number of salivating gentlemen.  Also, if we wanted a man in our bed, this would technically make us bisexual and not LESBIAN.  While there are gay women out there who once in a while dabble with the opposite sex, we more often than not do not appreciate this offer.  If we want you in our beds, we will make the move…  So you should live by the rule that if we don’t ask we are not interested.  And just to make it clear, I am not one of these women who dabble across the bridge – I burnt the bridge when I crossed over.

6.  Can I watch?

There is absolutely nothing appealing about letting a man watch me make love to my girlfriend… I know this also may come as a surprise to you, but fantasizing about you getting an erection whilst watching me bring my girlfriend to orgasm is more like a nightmare than a sexually stimulating thought.

7.  Prove it!

This one is just so stupid it usually just makes me turn around and walk away without even responding.  It really does go hand-in-hand with numbers 5 and 6.

8.  It is such a waste that a woman like you is gay

In the words of a very clever LESBIAN I know, “As if we were put on this planet purely for the pleasure of men!”  I promise you that me being gay is seen as a beautiful thing by other gay women.  The only waste was the oxygen you stole from the planet to make this idiotic statement.

9.  If you like butch women, why don’t you just date a man?

Listen dumbass, this one usually makes me wonder just how idiotic people can be.  A butch woman is still a woman – and it amazes me that I have to explain it to you.  There are all different kinds of women on this great big rock, and just like you may have a personal type that you are attracted to, so do I.  I am not generally attracted to femme girls – While I can appreciate that they are sexy, beautiful or attractive, they usually don’t get me all hot and flustered.  A tomboy, or butch women is a completely different story.  I love the way their strength swirls around their softer sides.  A butch woman may look all tough and masculine on the outside, but I promise you that in private she is all woman, and she knows and understands my needs in a way that only a woman can.   She may be wearing biker boots and a button down shirt, but underneath the clothing her skin is soft and her curves are in the same places as mine.. you do the math!

10.  Are you sure?

WTF?  Are you sure you shouldn’t sit down before you hurt yourself thinking so much???

So listen up boys, the next time you meet a LESBIAN and are tempted to say one of the above… rather don’t!  Just keep your dignity and ego in tact and either change the subject or try your luck with someone else, because with us you are just flogging a dead horse when you continue to buy drinks for a woman who was clearly not interested the first time you used your “tried and tested” pick-up line.

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16 comments

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Really enjoyed this. I think I’ve heard every one of these lame-ass pickup lines/comments/invitations at least 600 times. Straight men make me really, really happy to be a lesbian.

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Lol I agree, Have never felt as good in my own skin as I do since I discovered I am gay!

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Reblogged this on Sensi Boutique and commented:
I bet a lot of my readers have heard these lines and will really enjoy this one. Great postiI just have to share it

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Thanks for the compliment, I loved writing this post and had many good laughs with my girls during it’s birth

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Your post is the most compelling evidence that sexual orientation is not a choice I’ve seen in a long time. Because there in absolutely no way you can convince me that any woman in her right mind would “choose” to be straight if this is the mentality floating around in the dating pool she’s decided to dive into.

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This post pretty much made my day! All of this is so true, except I feel that it should not only be directed at men. Some straight women say the exact same thing.

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Hi everyone, being a straight male myself and have dated quite a few gay women myself over the years I agree with everything that is said on this post! I consider myself not only lucky but privileged over the years to have enjoyed wonderful relationships with the women that I have met. I worked in a women’s bar in Greenwich village many years ago. I have seen men buy women drinks and generally make asses of themselves while trying to meet women who absolutely have no interest in them at all! I have always been sort of fem and very laid back so the women that I met always would send a drink down or maybe politely introduce themselves etc. this was in the 1960s by the way and there was a very select few of us that dated gay women and enjoyed it very much while always respecting the woman’s partner. Thank you all so much for allowing me to share this. If there is any of out there who has comments, questions, or would just like to chat you can email me at: makoshark707@hotmail.com.

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Omg those questions just annoy me n dealin with them every single day is exhausting!!!

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Great list but you forgot… “If you ever want to have children and need a sperm donor I’d be happy to oblige. Of course we’d have to do it the natural way…” **BLAM BLAM BLAM** – powerful pneumatic shots of compressed air to the face.

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This is soooo true! And although I think that your definitions of “lesbian”, “straight”, etc are a bit rigid…it’s still super funny because I have heard all of these questions multiple times! I think I should just carry around a print out of this list with me wherever I go from now on 🙂

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Nothing is more embarrassing than trying to play off being snubbed, so don’t even put yourself in that position. If you can’t firmly decide to either go in for the fist bumps, high fives, embraces etc. — don’t bother!

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