By Sim

Its funny how, you know you are able to do something, and when faced with a task, you shoot blanks. It’s what I’m experiencing right now. Call it performance anxiety. Now I could go down the male road, and lie, say this has never happened before. Or i can face it, it’s reality, my reality. A reality that seems to continuously hold me back, but why I wonder, avoiding the fact that I’ve reached this answer before. Well more it reached me, she reached me, or the chapter. I’m not to sure how to say it, well write it

in this case. Anyways it was from a book, the answer I mean, it was from a book called The return to love by Maraim Williamson. The particular chapter was called ‘hell’, although I cannot quote it word for word, basically it spoke about how this thing holding me back is the fact that I’m terrified. She speaks about how we come from a generation crippled by it. We’re not powerful enough to overrule ourselves. We sabotage, abort everything: our careers, our relationships, even our children. We drink. We do drugs. We control. We obsess. We co- depend. We overeat. We hide. We attack. All because of this fear ingrained in us, and the likely hood is, according to Williamson that we blame all of our inadequacies on our parents. Now I’m not one for religion, but this specific chapter seemed to look into my soul, putting into words what my mind couldn’t seem to articulate. But where to from here? I know what’s stopping me and i know, I’m not the only one, but how do I fix it? Is fix it even the right word? Am I an object of society? for only objects need to be fixed don’t they? I cant be sure…….

Somebody call 911, I may need an emergency room.

One comment

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We face it – that’s what we do! And if you can’t face the whole dragon (wait a minute I like dragons……let’s use another image for ‘fear’……. monster, then ….. okay so we face the monster – and even if it’s just it’s baby toe nail – that’s what we face – from that we gain courage – and then we face more and more of it………. as our courage and our reclaiming grows the monster seems to get smaller ….. that doesn’t mean we don’t have sh*tty days or sh*tty weeks …. but then we just go back to the point where we were strong and continue from there. IT is possible to claim agency within this huge patriarchal, (un)free market machine – because it just takes one tiny cog to f*ck it all up – just one! Maybe it’s not about ‘fixing’ exactly maybe it’s about taking that chance with yourself – kind of like when you see that cute, yummy grrrl across the room – if you’re willing to take a chance and say hi to her – why not use that same crazy courage on yourself! You NEVER know – you might even like it!!!!!!!!! *lol*

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