10 Things Queer Women Are Tired of Hearing

Queering The Cloak, abuse, intimate partner violence, HOLAAfrica

By Javonne Crumby for Lesbionyx

While queer women  have more visibility now than ever, we still deal with ignorant comments and questions. Here’s 10 things we’re so done with hearing!

1) You’re Too Pretty to Be Gay!

Uhm, thank you? I don’t understand how straight men (and straight women for that matter) expect us to take that as a “compliment.” Are you implying that queer women are ugly? Because last time I checked (your browser history) you find us lady loving women VERY ATTRACTIVE! Oh, what’s that? You expect queer women to have a five o’clock shadow, with no make-up, and wearing men’s clothing ? Some of us do. And some of us put on make up , shave/wax, and get our nails done faithfully. While others say fuck gender binaries altogether and blur those lines. Guess what, they’re all “pretty” to someone, and just because a lesbian doesn’t fit whatever stereotype you had in your head doesn’t make her any less queer. A lesbian can wear heels by day and strap a girl by night. It’s nothing, really.

2) “How Do You Know You’re Gay If You’ve Never Been With a Man?”

Really? So, what your saying is I can’t possibly be sure that I love women because I’ve never been with a man? How could I possibly know that my feelings for women are valid without first being in a relationship or had sex with a man? If I never gave men a chance, how can I possibly say I’m not interested in them? Well, I could ask you the same questions. How do you know you’re straight unless you’ve been with the same gender? What do you mean, you’re not into that? You said you’ve never tried it! You never know until you try, right? Right?!

3) “Who’s the Guy in the Relationship?”

Seriously? Two women are in a relationship. I repeat: TWO WOMEN ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Who the hell is this mythical “guy” y’all keep referring to?! *Looks around* I don’t see any “guy”, “man,” “dude,” or any other of the sort. Why do you assume every relationship has to take on a feminine and masculine dynamic? Are you a guy that knows how to cook? That must make you the woman in the relationship. Are you a woman that makes her own money? You must be the man in the relationship. The 1950’s called, they want their gender roles back.

4) How Do You Two Have Sex?

Don’t play dumb. You’re an adult asking how two women have sex. I know it might be hard to imagine sex not involving a penis but it can be done in many ways. Fingers, tongues, toys etc. Or maybe you just want sex tips. Well, don’t beat around the bush just ask us for advice! We want your girl to have mind blowing sex, just like we do!

*Editors note: Here is a piece about it for the really curious. And a manual for those who really want to know.

5) “Can I Join?”

What is it with people thinking queer women just crave a third wheel? Don’t get me wrong, group sex can definitely spice things up, but, if a couple (queer or not) wants someone to join them in the bedroom they’ll seek you out. Spare yourself the embarrassment of the inevitable “Hell no” and consult your preferred dating app.

6) [From Straight Men] “I’m a Lesbian Too!”

I get it. You want to bond over the fact that we’re both interested in women. However, society expects you to be interested in women so you can spread your seed and keep the family name going yada yada. Society expects women to “settle down” with a man, get married to a man, and give birth and raise that man’s children. But queer women defy what society expects from women and that’s what makes us a “threat” to Heteroville. You’ll never experience being whistled at by men yelling for the two of you to kiss as if you’re on display. You’ll never have to feel out the environment you’re in to decide if it’s safe to show affection. You’ll never have strangers who “mean well” tell you how brave you are for simply being with your partner. No bruh, you are not a lesbian.

7) [From Straight Women] “I Would Date You if I Were Into Women!”

Wait, what?! Are you saying that in a hypothetical world where you were queer we would be together? Just like that? I have no say in the matter? I’m glad your confidence is high enough for you to think I would just be down for the ride. Now, if I’ve been flirting with you and this is your way of saying “thanks but no thanks” be careful! There are some lesbians out there that will put you at the top of their “to do” list. By you suggesting that if you were gay, you would date them, puts in their mind that even though your straight, there is still a chance. Just be straight up (no pun intended) and say “I’m straight, it’s not gonna happen.” Don’t send mixed signals!

8) “What’s the Point of Dating a Women that Dresses Like a Man?”

Lord have mercy! It’s sad to say but, we hear this in our own community! What exactly are you asking? As if the clothes someone wears to express themselves magically changes what’s underneath. Guess what? It doesn’t! Once those clothes are off you’ll quickly realize who is standing in front of you. As for the argument that women who “dress like men” are trying to be men … ISSA LIE! We dress for comfort, style and expression. If a woman is secure enough to rock clothes from the men’s section, so be it. Women don’t have to leave the house in makeup, pumps and matching handbags to be women. Now, for those of you in the community that make this comment, shame on you! I don’t have time to lecture you on your hypocrisy, but don’t project your insecurities on to us. Love is love, and you should know that better than anyone! It’s time to unlearn societal norms on all levels, not just the ones that suit you.

9) [To Bisexual and Pansexual Women]: “You need to make up your mind!”

She needs to make up her mind about what? Who she’s naturally attracted to? Who she feels chemistry with? Who she falls in love with? I’m confused here sis. Who is she “making up her mind” for? You?! Who cares about you! She was doing just fine, living her life and loving just the same until your narrow minded self came along demanding her to make up her mind. Did it ever occur to you that she’s secure with who she dates? Did it ever occur to you that she feels freedom not having to suppress her feelings for anyone? Why do you care so much?

Have several seats.

10) “It’s Just a Phase”

We, get it. Some women want to experiment and have a time in their life when they date/sleep with other women. They dip their toe in the Gayborhood pool and somewhere down the line decide its best to go back to Heteroville. These women are often referred to in the lesbian community as “hasbiens” (a has-been lesbian) Hey, the Gayborhood can be scary and not for everyone. It’s a world of judgement, inequality and intolerance. But that doesn’t mean that lesbians just don’t exist — We do! For us it’s not a phase. It’s natural, it’s what feels right in our hearts … and we’re sticking to that no matter what society thinks.  

This was first published on Lesbionyx.

This piece raised ALL the issues so we going to throw some things at you. Here is a manual we made about safe sex and pleasure between two women, here is a piece All The Things Women Do and another one on how to eat pussy like a champ. Here is a piece about femme invisibility within the community and this one about why straight women should never say they are about to go gay. There is a lot to learn here. Best to start early.

Also this piece on how to interact with bisexuals. And this one about dating straight women as a queer woman.

*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*

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